


Hiraeth

by tsundo



Category: The Transformers (IDW Generation One), Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: M/M, bruh, i meant to write fluff i meant to write fluff, it ended up being ANGST again, it kinda felt like it when i wrote it, suicidal idealation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2020-10-03
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:08:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26801149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tsundo/pseuds/tsundo
Summary: Hiraeth - noun; a homesickness for a home to which you cannot return to, a home that never was
Relationships: Optimus Prime/Shockwave
Comments: 1
Kudos: 8
Collections: kage's shockop fics





	Hiraeth

Things had almost been back to normal, Cybertron was thriving, the reparations and constant attention to rebuilding the wartorn planet working at top speed, hundreds of Cybertronians that were displaced during the war beginning to return home and repopulate the planet. It had been only a few months after Shockwave regained their memories. Almost everything was normal again, Shockwave having regained their original frame before the empurata, helm and servos attached, paint no longer a violet hue. Instead it was white. Shockwave having refused to touch the colouring for now until they were ready again. Whenever this ‘ready’ was. But Optimus was patient. And never pried nor tried to push Shockwave into being their former self entirely. It was a process and it took time, Optimus himself knew that. 

There were nights that Shockwave couldn’t recharge, nights that instead they would slip out of Optimus’ grasp and get out of the berth and instead stay at the balcony, watching the city lights, sometimes staring up at the stars that had always changed, as Cybertron was never in a fixed orbit, the planet itself having moved to different systems entirely throughout the years. But most times, they’d simply look ahead of them and reflect on everything that happened, trying to find the means to process what they did, how many they hurt. And every time it was painful to think about. It must have been a form of self punishment or a way to atone for their sins.

Optimus would always notice when Shockwave would get out of bed, although being able to recharge through most things nowadays, during war it was the complete opposite. He’d be quiet when getting out of recharge, his optics shuttering as they blinked to life. Ahead of him would be Shockwave, their white paint reflecting in the moonlight. Even if Shockwave’s EM field was too far away for Optimus to notice, he could tell they were doing it again. The way they leaned against the railing, shoulders slumped, their frame almost looking small. He exhaled quietly and debated going to them. Instead, he waited for them to come back into berth, Optimus being patient as always, knowing that Shockwave would spend what felt like hours on the balcony. There were some instances where he’d see them in the moonlight and the same thought would run through his head upon seeing them like that. _Ethereal._ Shockwave always tries to be quiet upon getting back into berth but Optimus almost always would wrap his arms back around them and hold them tightly against his chassis. Shockwave would always play it off as something that Optimus did during recharge, but he was always awake when he did it, faking recharge and making sure they fell into recharge first before he would always place a tender kiss on the top of their helm. 

It was only this time Optimus had a plan upon waking up for recharge. Shockwave lingered in berth like they always did upon onlining, trying to break the habit of immediately getting up and getting to work now that they no longer had to worry about being efficient. Optimus had been the first to get up this morning, making sure he had nothing in the way for his plan to come into play. After seeing that everything was taken care of, he came back to Shockwave with a few energon cubes, the day now having become evening as both Shockwave and Optimus had worked on their individual tasks. 

“What is that for?” Shockwave asked, having gotten out of the washracks.

“We’re going on a little vacation,” Optimus replied, setting the energon cubes down. 

“Can we afford to do that?”

“I took care of everything, it will only be a few days,” he said. 

“Where are we going?”

“Earth.” Shockwave immediately bristled at the location.

“Is… is that alright? The last time I was there, I,” they didn’t finish and they shrank in posture. Optimus immediately went up to them and placed his servos on their arms, looking into their optics, where they were slow to meet his gaze.

“That wasn’t you,” he said quietly. “But…” he then took their servos into his, his thumb massaging their knuckles. “You need the break,” he said. He then raised their servos and kissed the top of it. “I know that it’s difficult, getting used to your emotions again and processing the memories.” Shockwave stiffened upon what Optimus said. “I’ve seen you on the balcony,” he said quietly this time. “You know I’m willing to listen and help,” he reassured. They shook their helm this time, shutting their optics. 

“I don’t want to burden you,” they whispered.

“It’s too much for you to handle by yourself,” Optimus said gently. “I’ve had years to deal with what I had to go through during that war, but you’re still getting used to having your emotions back.” He had a point. 

“Where are we going on Earth?” they asked. There was a slight twinkle in Optimus’ optic as he smiled.

* * *

Upon entering the atmosphere, Shockwave couldn’t help but feel nervous. It had felt almost like forever since they had stepped foot on Earth. Optimus had made sure that no one would be able to detect their ship entering the atmosphere which managed to ease their worry just a little bit but the idea of Optimus bringing Shockwave back to a place where they weren’t the same scared them. When they landed, Shockwave found themselves in an unfamiliar area. The place was stunning, where large rocky mountains towered over the two in the distance, snow on the peaks as a glacial lake lay right in front of them. Pine trees covered the expanse in front of them and they found themselves surrounded by total, utter silence. 

“Where are we?” Shockwave asked. 

“Banff National Park,” Optimus replied, approaching them to stand beside them. “We’re in what is called Canada,” he said. “The humans told me of all the beautiful places on this planet,” Optimus then started, looking ahead at the view. “And whenever they spoke about it, my mind went back to you. And how much you’d love seeing all of it. I remember saying to myself that one day when the war was over that I wanted to see Earth for all it was. I just never thought I would be able to do it with you,” he said, then looking towards Shockwave, a smile of pure affection on his face, his mask missing. He’d left his mask in the shuttle, knowing he wouldn’t need it at all for the trip. Shockwave can’t help but feel frustrated and Optimus can feel it immediately. A mix of emotions brew in them, where they feel not only frustration but love and gratitude. 

“I don’t. I don’t understand how you can love me,” Shockwave said. “After. After what I did.” It’s a conversation that Optimus was used to having with Shockwave. There were moments where Shockwave was doubtful, where they didn’t feel deserving of love at all with what they did. It was their pride and their spark that kept them from forgiving themselves, that kept them from being able to move on. It was how Shockwave was, how _his_ Shockwave was. Angry at everything that was reprehensible; it was unfortunate how it led to Shockwave being disgusted with themselves. It was going to take much longer for Shockwave to begin forgiving themselves after everything but it was something Optimus was willing to wait for. He’d spent so many years thinking he’d never get Shockwave back. And at this point, he was willing to do anything to make sure he never lost them again.

“Because it’s unconditional.” It will always be unconditional, it’s Shockwave, his spark will always belong to Shockwave. Those 4 millions years of yearning and pining for them even though the possibility was almost impossible had proven that. With Shockwave being able to overcome the shadowplay, Optimus felt that that was his ultimate reward from the end of the war, a miracle that almost pushed him to believe in Primus again. Shockwave didn’t reply for a moment, looking ahead onto the glacial lake.

“There are times that I wish that the shadowplay was back,” Shockwave confessed, Optimus went cold and stiffened. “Sometimes… it’s feels all so overwhelming, that my mind longs for the easy way out and to never have to feel again.” There’s a pause. “But then I always look back to you, and I remember that if I were to undergo that again then… you’d be all alone. And I’d forget you again.” Their voice synthesiser crackled as emotion swelled in their throat. “I don’t want to forget you,” they croaked. Weeks of suppressed feelings then began to pour out of them as tears began to fall down their cheeks. “I don’t want to go through shadowplay again. I don’t want to lose myself again,” they sobbed. “I’m so afraid, Orion,” they said. “And I’m so… angry at myself for everything I did. I can’t look at myself in the mirror without. Without,” their jaw tightened this time and they let out a shaky breath. Optimus didn’t know what to say. Those nights where Shockwave was at the balcony, he couldn’t imagine what was running through their mind and this was only a little bit that Shockwave had told Optimus. He went ahead and hugged them, knowing that was the only comfort he could offer them for now. They immediately accepted the hug, crying into the crook of his neck as they let it out. When the most of it had been let out, they pulled away from his neck with a tired look on their face, Optimus still holding them. Shockwave still couldn’t help but look down, away from his gaze, embarrassed and still feeling unworthy of him.

“I love you,” Optimus murmured, his gaze never leaving them. Their optics are slow to meet him but once they meet they stay there. With an exhale, they go back into the hug and nuzzle their helm into the crook of his neck once again, holding him as tight as possible.

“I love you too."

* * *

Throughout the trip, Optimus had taken Shockwave to various parts of the world, the two taking in the sights and making sure they avoided any humans. He’d taken them to places such as Zhangye Danxia Geopark, Great Ocean Road, Pamukkale, Pitons, Torres Del Paine National Park, Fjordland National Park, Bagan, Blue Lagoon, Sossuvlei, El Yunque National Park, Lofoten Islands and Mount Everest. But Optimus had saved the best for last. Shockwave eagerly looked out the window as they awaited their final destination before their vacation was over. Throughout the week, Shockwave’s mood had gotten better. Maybe it was because they didn’t have to work or maybe it was because of the fact they were no longer on Cybertron. The guilt there was heavier there than the guilt on Earth. The shuttle began to descend and soon the sight of something almost magical came into view. It was a large river that split into various large waterfalls. The greenery that surrounded it brought even more colour to the scene and Shockwave pressed their servos to the window as they looked down in awe. The shuttle landed on one of the platforms covered in greenery and as soon as the shuttle doors opened, Shockwave ran out to see what it was like up close and in person. The sound of roaring water suddenly filled their audios and the sight of mist filled the air. Light reflected in the water particles and various rainbows had accumulated as a result. 

Optimus was a little slow to get out of the shuttle but he heard something that made his audials shoot up to attention. He scrambled out of the shuttle to see Shockwave laughing freely as they looked at the vast expanse of waterfalls. He then felt droplets on his plating as he realised it was beginning to rain as well. He couldn’t help but be drawn into their laugh, their blue optics bright, Shockwave’s laughter making Optimus feel like he was a young mech again who had just fallen in love with the mech in front of him. 

“Orion!” they called out, breaking his trance. “Are you seeing this?” He shook his helm slightly to focus and joined Shockwave’s side as they looked around at the waterfalls. “I can’t believe a place like this exists,” they breathed.

“It’s hard to believe myself,” he replied.

“There’s so much life and wonder on this planet,” they then said. “Can you imagine feeling more at home here than I felt on Cybertron?” they asked.

“I can.” Shockwave looked towards him this time with some confusion. He couldn’t help but smile. “I’ve felt at home this entire time I’ve been with you. Wherever we are, as long as I’m with you, I’m home,” Optimus said. Shockwave couldn’t help but smile, grateful that they had the face to show it. Optimus slipped his servos into theirs and held it tightly. Their smile then dropped as they turned back to face the waterfalls. 

“I know it’s going to take a while until I feel like myself again,” Shockwave started. “But these past few days have made me feel a little more like… me,” they said, having a hard time articulating it. They then looked at their frame. “This colour is a little boring,” they then said, a playful smile growing on their face and they turned towards Optimus. “What are your thoughts on navy and gold? ”

  
  


  
  



End file.
